Life In The Left Lane
Part 2
Pigs aren't the only animals a driver is likely to encounter on the road. I've seen trucks pulling cows on leads, lust-crazed male iguanas challenging cars for the right to do the nasty with a luscious female iguana and, of course, the goats.
The goats are everywhere. No one is quite sure who owns the goats and they're a sneaky lot. The unwary driver will frequently round a corner only to encounter a smiling goat on the side of the road. The less experienced driver will not slow down for one goat. This is a mistake.
It is never just one goat. It is an entire herd of goats or, in the local parlance, goat dem. That's how a local expresses the concept of more than one. They simply tack the word dem on after the multiple they're describing. Goat dem, drunken tourist dem, Hoover dem. You get the picture.
It should be noted that school children operate on the same principle as the goats. Sure they look charming standing there on the side of the road in their little school uniforms, trying to hitch a ride into town or up that huge hill.
If you stop your car for the one cherub standing in the hot sun, be prepared for the cherub dem who will sprint out of the bushes and pile into your car. You'll be astounded by how many of them will fit in, and even more astounded when you learn that they are not all going to the same destination.
It's best just to let the taxi drivers handle the roads. They don't pick up cherub dem all that often and they are just as likely to thin a herd of goat dem than to avoid them.
If you really love to drive, St. Thomas offers another kind of paradise. The best local driving is on the north side of the island. The roads are as curvy as Marilyn Monroe in her prime and they are as hilly as Jayne Mansfield was. Up and down and around and around. It's like driving your car on a really long roller coaster.
The north side roads are clearly marked with numbered road signs. Unfortunately, nobody who lives here knows what numbers correspond to what road. Stop and ask a local for directions to 33 and you're likely to be met with a blank stare.
You want to go where? Oh, well, turn around and go to the next left, pass the goat dem and look for the brown cow on the right hand side. The restaurant is just ahead on your left. Make sure you have some rum punch. Oh, and don't hit the chicken dem. They're tomorrow night's special.
Enjoy your time in the islands. Drink up on the free rum punch while you can. If you decide to stay here, you'll never get another free drink.
BACK: Part 1
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See you on the Island,
John "Big Hat" Walsh
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